5 posts tagged “weight”
I sometimes think that I'm fated to worry over my weight forever, world without end, amen.
I had a dream one night that a thin girl who looks just like me lived inside me, snugged up underneath my ribcage, right next to my heart. She was dressed in the latest fashion, cute top, cute skirt, cute shoes. But she wasn't happy, this thin, hot version of me. No. She was desolate, raging and sobbing and wailing and beating on my ribs trying to get me to listen to her. We needed to switch places, she and I. Why couldn't I hear, why couldn't I see her? Why wasn't I listening to all the smart things she had to say about portion control and yummy veggies and exercise and bikinis, bikinis, for God's sakes?!? She just couldn't get through, even though she did her best to tug sharply on my heartstrings when I had that plate of fries, that burger, that second helping. I felt the twinges, but pushed her edicts aside in favor of moremoremore.
She didn't give up, though. She knew that what she was fighting for was worth fighting for. So, she kept struggling and screaming until last week I finally thought, "Hey, I should do something about my gelatinous corpulence, yeah!" I promptly started on the South Beach diet, and, oh, but it's hard. Not so much the specific regulations of the diet, but the fact that I have to keep myself in check at every single mealtime and all the snacktimes in between. It's just been so long since I had any kind of dicipline in my eating habits that this particular regime feels as strict as a nun's life, boring and with the reward a long time off.
Still, even though I've been at it less than a week and I'm not anywhere near my eventual goal, I feel thinner. And healthier, and happier. Even though I struggle with what to eat at lunch and dinner, I'm a lot cheerier than I've been in a long, long time. It's easy to get so bogged down in the minutae of everyday life that you forget what's really important to you. For me, now and seemingly always, that's loosing weight. Thank goodness I'm finally on track, that's all I can say.
The thin girl inside me is grateful, too. She exhausted herself in the battle to be heard, and now that she has, it's time for a nap. Since it's to be a long nap, she's kicked off her Steve Maddens and curled up to doze with my heart as her pillow. As she slips into sleep, I imagine she's thinking about the clothes she'll wear, darling undies and boys and the spotlight and all manner of lovely things that will, in time, be hers. I imagine that she's smiling. When she and I have swapped skins, and the fat girl is inside, happy to hide away in the dark, I know that she will listen when the girl under her ribs tells her to be kind, to be careful of others' feelings, not to be too arrogant. She'll remember what it's like to be lost, to be forgotten and ignored. She will listen to her twin self, just as I now listen to mine.
What fucking horrible timing. I leave for the States in three days and now I am saddled with a sneezing, muzzy headed, coughing head cold that I could most assuredly have done without. This is divine punishment, I know it. Punishment for all the times these last few weeks that I've smugly paraded my health before my sick roomie, her boyfriend, and myriad other people who had not managed to escape the "Kwaj Krud." Well, my healthy little sashaying to and fro has caught up to me with a vengeance, ohhhh, yes. Even bingo last night failed to cheer me up. I mean, it was fun, but ordinary. The same. I think part of what this cold is doing to me is exacerbating my island fever to the max. I really don't see how I'm going to make it through the three days until I leave. Those three days that include the cleaning, and the laundry, and the packing. Blarg.
Feeling this way, it was perhaps inevitable that I would finally break my self imposed shopping ban. I am what most people call a shopaholic. I prefer to think of it as keeping my sanity intact with clothes, shoes, bags, makeup, um, you get the point. A much more sensible way to put it, don't you think? Anyhoo, the reason for this ban was partly for money, but also partly because I didn't want to encourage myself to stay the rather rotund size that I am right now. This size that I have been for much longer than I would like to admit. I've been really good about shopping - I have! No cute new tops, no slinky new heels for this girl. But...but, today I got tired of it all. It seems that I've spent most of my life waiting for something to happen. Waiting until things were different. Well, here I am in the unspecified later, and things haven't changed all that much. Sure, I'm a lot more confident now. Sure, I'm a lot happier, better adjusted, less neurotic. But the things that I was waiting for; they just haven't materialized. I can't wait any more until I'm thinner, leave Kwaj, have a boyfriend, have a real job, have a different life. I don't know what I can do to make those things appear (or if I even can), but I do know that I have to stop subconsciously letting the tide of my life wash over my head instead of helping; swimming faster and faster with the current that will take me to the next big turning point in my life.
I'm tired of just sitting still. My life right now is great, but it's fluffy. It's time to make things happen, or not worry about them until they're right in front of me. No more waiting around while others go and do big things; no more being the zany sidekick. No more. I'm taking control of my now, starting with that new dress I've been thinking about for weeks. I may fall spectacularly on my face, world, but I'll look damn good doing it!
Once again, bingo has proven my downfall. Not only did I not win any money (as usual, goddammit!), but I also ate my weight in nachos. With jalapenos, no less. I don't know why I cannot seem to resist the lure of badly cooked and poorly presented bar food. Maybe it's the whole "it's so bad that it's good" thing, or maybe I just have a thing for shooting myself in the foot; I don't know. Here's a little summary of yesterday through the calorie lens:
Things I consumed that were in accordance with my diet
Refried beans and salsa for b-fast (yum)
A bologna and cheese sammie with mustard
Sauteed spinach and mushrooms (double yum)
2 pickles
Things that I ate that were totally not in accordance with my diet
My body weight in cheesy, crunchy, jalapeno-y nachos (I believe I even smacked J's hand away so that I might consume one more cheesy, delicious chip)
A bratwurst (with roll - shudder Atkins fans, shudder)
Beer (and plenty of it - not even of the light variety)
Bugles (more than the reccommended serving size)
The fact remains, though, that whatever I ate yesterday I start today on day one of my diet for the five billionth time. And there was much rejoicing. yay.
Yeah, this whole diet thing? The thing with the eating of less calories? It totally works. Nine pounds and counting.
What a rainy, bleak, blank day it is today. I'm left feeling a little let down after the holiday weekend. My friends and I planned so carefully for our Halloween celebration, but when it happened it turned out to be just an ordinary night at the club. No, worse than ordinary - it was crowded and boring. That seems to be happening to me more and more lately. I look forward to the weekend all week, and end up feeling flat and unhappy at the end of it. I know what's troubling me, I suppose. I'm single. Funnily enough, most of the time I love being single. You're gloriously free, with nobody to consult with before you make plans, no need to check in. It also means, though, that you don't have anyone to come home to at the end of the day.
The funny thing is; I don't even know if I would take an opportunity to get someone if one presented itself suddenly. Besides loosing the whole freedom thing I would actually have to - gasp - get naked for him. Once again, ordinarily not a problem. Hey, what can I say, I'm a healthy girl - with all that entails. But, I've gained some weight, and I hate the way I look. My clothes are a little tight, and I don't feel comfortable in my own skin. I just don't think sex would be all that fun if I were wondering how my butt looked the whole time. And I would. So, I should fix it, right? Right. I've started about a billion diets in the last couple of months (or it feels that way, anyways), but I can't stick to it. I know I can loose weight, I've done it before, but I just can't seem to get a handle on why I'm having so much trouble getting it together this time. Any little breath of temptation just veers me wildly off course. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling inferior to more slender girls. I'm tired of being upset half the time. I'm tired of being single. Hell, most of all, I'm tired of being fat. And I just wish that my diet fairy would come down and bless me with the werewithal to actually stick to my frickin' diet and finally become all that I am, could be, should be...
